“Local lawyer, Denis Gravy of Gravy O’Defense, was attacked and killed today. Witness reports during an altercation taking place in the parking lot in front of the Gravy O’Defense law offices an unnamed woman assaulted Denis with some sort of acid-based power.
Well-known local chef Bakers Dozen was identified on the scene fighting this new super. We must warn our viewers the following footage is very graphic, viewer discretion is advised."
(Poor quality cellphone footage of Bakers Dozen fighting a glistening translucent woman is shown. The footage ends just as the woman is blasted with water from a source out of frame but you can see parts of her breaking apart.)
“Authorities are hunting for the perpetrator and advise anyone with knowledge of this super to call the following tip line.”
“In other news police foiled an attempted bombing of downtown bank. In a strange twist security cameras captured footage of a monkey placing the bomb.”
(Jumpy gray tone security footage is shown. A small spider monkey quickly runs across a parking lot holding a large package. Higher quality footage of the police using a bomb disposal robot from behind a barricade is shown.)
“Lucky no one was hurt in this attempted bombing.”